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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 29, 2011 9:00am-9:30am PDT

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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. oh, my gosh, we got a good one for you tonight. bill o'reilly, my old friend by o'reilly is going to be on the program, an i'll say it right now, you can watch the rest of it on the web. that's right. [laughter] as we say in the old neighborhood, [bleeped]. [cheering and applause] we begin... we don't actually say that. [laughter] very respectful in the old neighborhood. we begin tonight with the republican field for the
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presidency, which despite now boasting no fewer than eight viable candidates and newt gingrich has still left the republican base looking for alternatives, but are there alternatives looking for them? it's the subject of tonight's indecision 2012 indecision edition. chris christie, new jersey governor and part-time bobby bakala impersonator spoke last night at the holiest site in republicanism, the reagan library, and was propositioned almost immediately. >> are you reconsidering or are you standing firm? >> listen, i'll be really succinct about this. i saw something great on the political web site, and i don't mean to be an advertiser for plitico, but they put 1:353 of my answers back to back to back to back. everyone go to politico.com. it's on the front page.
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click on it. those are the answers. >> jon: oh, it's like a treasure hunt. i love it. it's like a live linking to another web site. follow the clues and reveal the secret message. >> you're still saying categorically not running. >> i'm not running. i'm 100% certain i'm not going to run. >> i don't want the run. i don't feel like i'm ready to run. first in your heart you have to want it more than anything else. i don't want it that badly. >> jon:, insecuritiable. when urged to run for president, chris christie points people to a two-minute montage of unequivocal, no, i am not running. interpret that for us, oh great political pundits. >> new jersey governor chris christie appears to leave the door slightly open. >> christie left the door slightly open. >> for himself. >> chris christie has left the
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door open ever so slightly. >> just a sliver open. he left a little sliver open. >> christie's comments especially are a rorschach test, see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear. >> you hear what you want to hear. everyone else hears, i'm not running. a rorschach test? yeah, yeah, it's a rorschach test. it's a rorschach test. tell me what you see. what do you see? [cheering and applause] was that a butterfly humping a mongoose? [laughter] he said no. and if i remember from my freshman dorm orientation correctly, no means no! so back up, no, oh, come on, baby, can't we just form an exploratory committee. come on, let me touch your super pac. no chris christie has given you
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his answer. stop grinding up against him and asking if you can just put the tip in. [cheering and applause] son of a bitch. at least not all pundits were blinded by their desire to see what they want to see. >> i think that we can take governor christie at his word. i think he kind of put the nail in the coffin of speculation that he would run by the announcement that he made today. >> and if i were the media i would by gosh go back the lavishing unwarranted attention on other possible non-candidates who have sent maybe more mixed messages. [laughter] that's sarah palin wearing what appeared to be a vest made from the pelt of a cookie monster she shot from a helicopter. [laughter] could be... could be found on fox literally less than a minute
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after chris christie had spoken. like an alarm went off that they were talking about somebody else. to reassure the nation that not every possible republican candidate had made a clear decision. >> okay. for logistical reasons, though, certainly decisions have to be made. through my procession of decision making with my family and with my close friends as to whether i should throw my name in the hat for the gop nomination or not for 2012,s a title worth it? >> jon: i get it. is it worth the scrutiny on your family, the incredible burden of responsibility that is the presidency of these united states, the weight of the world literally on your shoulders. that's reasonable and i am assuming i am correct in my assessment of your thought process. >> is a title worth it? does a title shackle a person? are they, someone like me, who is a maverick, i do go rogue and i call it like i see it, and i
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don't mind stirring it up in order to get people to think and debate aggressively and to find solutions to the problems that our country is facing. that's the biggest consolation piece in my procession. [laughter] >> jon: the biggest contemplation piece in your process is that becoming the president would diminish your power? it's not that you might not be able to bear the weight of the presidency, it's that that ballpark ain't big enough to contain your awesomeness. the presidency would limit you how? >> does a title take away my freedom to call it like i see it and to affect positive change that we need in this country? does that prohibit me from being out there, out of a box, not allowing handlers to shape me and to force my message to be what donors or what contributors or what political pundits want
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it to be. >> jon: you'd be the [bleeped] president. you would be the commander-in-chief of history's greatest fighting force. what do you mean? what... what... what possibly do you mean? and don't misunderstand, i am not trying to talk you into runningful -- running. [laughter] by most people's standards, the presidency is one of the higher-level positions we have in this country. perhaps i am not giving your renegade alaskan bird spirit enough credit. [laughter] what pailin wisdom would a presidential run silence? i know you're a big deal, you're a former governor and you starred on a show on the same network that has brought us three shows about dwarfs. [laughter] but, if i may, you spent your summer vacation on a constitution-wrapped bus that you signed shuttling between
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iowa and new hampshire, giving speeches like this? >> i want to tell you what my plan is. >> i would do the opposite of obama's manipulation of u.s. supplies of energy, drill here, drill now. i suppose to eliminate all federal corporate income tax. >> jon: here's the thing. you could have a colorful bus and drive to early primary states or go around telling people what you would do if you were president, but when you put those two together, there's really only two possibilities. you are either running for president of the united states or you are a crazy person. [cheering and applause] we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. i'm not going to lie to you. we're in a recession. i'm not going the lie to you. but there's one group of americans doing quite well, corporation, and there's no reason you can't be more like them. samantha bee has more. >> these are the sarnacolas. stacy is a schoolteacher. rodney was laid off from work. like so many americans, this economy has left them struggling while at the same time they see corporations doing this. >> exxon is expected to ring up $114 billion in revenue. >> and this. >> g.e. paid no federal corporate taxes last year.
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>> and this. >> citigroup got the largest bank bailout, $45 billion. >> it would be easy for the sarnacolas to be bitter, but remember... >> corporations are people, my friend. >> so if corporations can be people, why can't people like the sarnacolas be corporations? i know you've been hit so hard, but you're about to get hit even harder with a huge can of you're welcome. you're no longer the sarnacolas. now you're amerifam. we asked corporate expert robert wiseman to help us give this family the advantages of corporatehood. >> well, one of the first thing that corporations like to do is lay off some of their workers and squeeze the ones left behind. >> cisco just raised profits by getting rid of 7,000 workers. looks like it's time for us to trim the amerifam. so, children, tell me a little bit about yourselves?
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do you have any hobbies? >> riding my bike. >> andrew, do you have any hobbies? >> playing. >> okay. i'm sorry, andrew. >> all right. andrew. you're fired. >> you're fired. thank you for your years of service. so we've streamlined the family, but we've still got all this pesky debt. no problem. >> one thing corporations like to do is push up all their debt on off-the-book subsidiaries. >> hand narcotics do you do anything to help your family? >> yeah. >> good, because you're now $83,000 in debt and i don't know you. good-bye. okay. >> hello? mom? dad? >> all right. >> hello? >> ignore that. as we know, the american worker
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has gotten used to living high on the hog. eating again, rodney? these snacks here isn't doing you any favors. >> perhaps amerifam should outsource to find labor to do more for less. >> are you willing to do twice the vacuuming for half the sex? >> si. >> what about no sex? no sexo con stacy? >> no. >> next. now it's time to start making some money. oh, my gosh, get out of my way. corporate lobbyists get billions of government dollars for corporations and no one is better at it than washington super lobbyist tony podesta whose all-star client roster includes b.p. it says here you represent b.p. >> b.p. has been a good
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corporate citizen of the united states, and they work hard to produce products and services that are... that the american people really value? >> oh, my god, that is great. you're hired. >> i'm not sure i understand. >> oh, hold on, wait. i was just checking to see if a bolt of lightning was going to come down from the sky and strike us both. but it isn't. yay. >> you need to explain what your product is. >> we're a people company. >> how many people are you? >> we have a staff of four. two of which are children. >> is it a family? >> okay. it's family, okay. can you help us? >> no. >> i guess amerifam's not too big to fail, so unless they're going to expand like the duggers, they need to employ one last corporate strategy, relocate to an off-shore tax haven. now that you're flush with cash, it's time to leave. you speak maldivian, right? doesn't matter. >> this doesn't seem fair.
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>> yeah, fair is for suckers. you're a corporation now. bye, stacy, bye, rodney. see you at the airport. another family saved. it's easy to remember that corporations are people, but never forget that people can be corporations too. >> hello? i need to use the bathroom. >> jon: sama [cheering and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, he is the host of the fox news channel's "the o'reilly factor." his new book is called "killing lincoln," the shocking assassination that changed america forever. please welcome back to the
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program mr. bill o'reilly. sir. [applause] a pleasure. a pleasure. >> thank you. thank you. >> jon: as always, thank you so much for being here. the book is, and again, i don't want to criticize your cover designer, "bill o'reilly killing lincoln." [laughter] [cheering and applause] by the way... >> yes. >> jon: it is an excellent book and a nice read and... >> jon: somebody read it to you. [audience reacts] >> jon: damn you, o'reilly. always quick on the draw. excellent book. you're going to sell millions and millions of copies. we're not going to talk about it. [laughter] here's what i want to ask you, you were on you show the other night, and i watch it frequently. you say if obama raises your taxes to 50%, which you believe
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is possible, that you may not do your show anymore. >> right. i might take colbert's place. >> jon: yeah. [laughter] >> you know he's taking it. >> jon: somebody has to. what percentage of that threat is empty? >> all of it. [laughter] >> jon: you're not going anywhere. >> no, no, no. there comes a point where if you're going to be taxed by the federal government at 50% and then you have to pay your property taxes, your sales taxes, your tolls to get into the city, they charge you admission to get into new york city, $14.50. >> jon: and yet free to go the new jersey. what are you going to do? >> there comes a point where you say, is this worth it or not. >> jon: really? >> you and i both work hard. well, i do. [audience reacts] hey, he's got 18 writers back there. >> jon: somebody's got the peel the carrot. it's true. >> but you and i employ a lot of people. >> jon: we're job creators. >> we are, the entrepreneurial
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class. >> jon: but this whole idea that somehow the tax burden would become so onerous on us that we would just rather not take home $3 million if we can't get the $3.5 million, [bleeped]. [laughter] you know what i mean? that's crazy talk and you know it. >> you're not making that much money. [laughter] >> jon: here's all i'm saying, what is this whole business with the poor, poor rich and wealthy in this country, so unfair to them. >> are you ever going to wise up ever? i mean, we've been doing this dance. >> jon: teach me, professor. teach me. teach me. >> i don't mind paying 40%, but first they're going to have to stop wasting the money. one word, solindra. do you know what that is? >> jon: yes, i do. >> how much was wasted there
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>> jon: $520 million. >> $528 million. if you clean it up, if you stop wasting it, then you come to the job creators, and we'll help you out. >> jon: let me just very quickly, solindra was an investment the department of energy made, i think it was $10 billion or $20 billion, in new energy technology -- >> solar panels. >> jon: that was one. there's also wind and nuclear. that was about half of the percent of the money that the department of energy spent. are you saying that the government should no longer in any way subsidize new industries because without that, no internet, no roads to long island. [laughter] >> there are l always be roads to long island. now listen... >> jon: that's my point. >> you've got to downsize the government so they can watch what's happening and make intelligent decisions. it's insane. right now... look, the $16 muffin. do we all know what the $16 muffin is? >> jon: what?
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>> see, you don't even know what the $16 muffin is. >> jon: what neighborhood do you live in? what makes a $16 muffin? >> this is great. i'm glad. look... >> >> jon: all right. >> $16 muffin. brock this story last week on "the factor." you were otherwise occupied, making your little wise remarks. not reading what's happening. they had a bunch of conferences for pinheads, the federal government, and they ordered $250 muffins at $16 apiece. >> jon: that's a lot for muffins. >> yeah! and you know what, i paid for the muffins. >> jon: i understand that. >> and so did you. >> jon: i understand that. are you familiar with wall street? >> no. [laughter] >> jon: because there's this idea... >> is that run by the federal government? >> jon: no, it's not. >> not yet. >> jon: no, it's not, but interestingly enough, they had a little problem that added up to what i believe is more than,
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what's $16 times 250 muffins? so capitalism also finds itself going astray sometimes and wrecking our economy. if you believe we should go back to the good bubble-and-bust days of the 1890s. >> i don't want the bubble and bust days. >> jon: exactly. >> i want efficiency in all areas. >> jon: so you and i are agreeing here. >> simpatico. >> jon: you know, when you speak a foreign language, it is oddly arousing. [laughter] [cheering and applause] come on, come on. here's what we're going to do. when he gets over his nervous feelings, here's what i'm going to say, killing lincoln is on the bookshelves now. go buy this book. this man may not do it any longer. so go buy his book right now. help him feed his family. we're going to come back with more. it will be up on the web. mr. bill o'reilly. we're coming right back. [cheering and applause]
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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. the great tony bennett will be here in the studio to talk to us. now here it, is your moment of zen. >> on cnn just the other day, they showed a poll where i was like within five points of president obama. polls, nah, they're forcaptioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org.
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>> stephen: tonight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave in espanol? [laughter] and it's the jewish new year, so put ono

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